Beelin Sayadaw crosses my mind on nights when discipline feels lonely, unglamorous, and way less spiritual than people online make it sound. The reason Beelin Sayadaw surfaces in my mind tonight is unclear; perhaps it is because my surroundings feel so stark. There is no creative spark or spiritual joy—only a blunt, persistent awareness that I must continue to sit. The silence in the room is somewhat uneasy, as if the space itself is in a state of anticipation. My back is leaning against the wall—not perfectly aligned, yet not completely collapsed. It is somewhere in the middle, which feels like a recurring theme.
Discipline Without the Fireworks
Discussions on Burmese Theravāda typically focus on the intensity of effort or the technical stages of insight—concepts that sound very precise and significant. Beelin Sayadaw, at least how I’ve encountered him through stories and fragments, feels quieter than that. He seems to prioritize consistent presence and direct action over spectacular experiences. There is no theater in his discipline, which makes the work feel considerably more demanding.
It is nearly 2 a.m., and I find myself checking the time repeatedly, even though time has lost its meaning in this stillness. The mind’s restless but not wild. More like a dog pacing the room, bored but loyal. I become aware of the tension in my shoulders and release it, yet they tighten again almost immediately. Typical. I feel the usual pain in my lower back, the one that arrives the moment the practice ceases to feel like a choice and starts to feel like work.
The No-Negotiation Mindset
Beelin Sayadaw feels like the kind of teacher who wouldn’t care about my internal commentary. Not in a cold way. Just… not interested. The work is the work. The posture is the posture. The rules are the rules. Either engage with them or don’t. But the core is honesty; that sharp realization clears away much of my mental static. I exert so much effort trying to bargain with my mind, seeking to justify my own laziness or lack of focus. Discipline doesn’t negotiate. It just waits.
I chose not to sit earlier, convincing myself I was too tired, which wasn't a lie. I also claimed it was inconsequential, which might be true, though not in the way I intended. That minor lack of integrity stayed with me all night—not as guilt, but as a persistent mental static. The memory of Beelin Sayadaw sharpens that internal noise, allowing me to witness it without the need to judge.
Finding Firmness in the Middle of Numbness
There’s something deeply unsexy about discipline. No insights to post about. No emotional release. It is nothing but a cycle of routine and the endless repetition of basic tasks. Sit. Walk. Note. Keep the rules. Sleep. Wake up. Do it again. I can picture Beelin Sayadaw inhabiting that rhythm, not as an abstract concept, but as his everyday existence. Years, then decades of it. Such unyielding consistency is somewhat intimidating.
My foot has gone numb and is now tingling; I choose to let it remain as it is. My mind is eager to narrate the experience, as is its habit. I don't try to suppress it. I simply refuse to engage with the check here thoughts for long, which seems to be the core of this tradition. It is neither a matter of suppression nor indulgence, but simply a quiet firmness.
The Point is the Effort
I realize I’ve been breathing shallow for a while. The chest loosens on its own when I notice. There is no grand revelation, only a minor correction. I suspect that is how discipline operates as well. It is not about theatrical changes, but about small adjustments repeated until they become part of you.
Thinking of Beelin Sayadaw doesn’t make me feel inspired. It makes me feel sober. Grounded. Slightly exposed. Like excuses don’t hold much weight here. And weirdly, that’s comforting. There’s relief in not having to perform spirituality, in simply doing the work in a quiet, flawed manner, without anticipation of a spectacular outcome.
The night keeps going. The body keeps sitting. The mind keeps wandering and coming back. There is nothing spectacular or deep about it—only this constant, ordinary exertion. And maybe that’s exactly the point.